i looked into their faces,

i have decided that my journal is going to become friends only.
i very rarely post anything that isn't friends or custom group...
so if you want to continue reading about my fascinating life, we'll need to become friends.

i'm heading back to texas in just a few hours.

i can't wrap my head around it.  i don't feel like it is true.
it has been great here in nc, i don't want to give it up.
it's felt like i was home.  like, really home.

i'm going to miss you.

on any given night, like tonight, you can randomly drive down any street with your windows down and smell only honeysuckles.

it is one of the sweetest smells in the world.
it smells like home.

it became painfully clear today that this may 8th marks the twelfth year that my father has chosen to leave this world.  i have lived exactly half my life with him, and half my life without him.  which means that tomorrow (the 9th), i will have lived longer without him.  i am only 24 fucking years old.
somehow, i have grown incapable of dealing with this.

if everything happens for a reason, i better get a goddamn answer.
fuck you god.  if you were real, this wouldn't have happened to us.

i get it.
i was hurt and upset with you yesterday.  but now, i get it.
and almost all of me agrees.
just not my heart.

you have just made my day.
just by saying that you do.



we play the game of truth like it is going out of style, yet i never seem to ask tell you what i really want to.

it is amazing how one dream can ruin your whole day.

it is 3:30 in the am and i am still awake.  my mind is swirling.  i was re-reading several of my entries, both here and myspace, and i came across a survey that i had completed on the latter (which i never do here).  it started with "say ten things you wish you could say to ten different people".  and though what i am about to do isn't quite the same, it'll be my own version.  there are things i want to say, but will never be able to.  but some things become less heavy within me when i can put them here.

1.  i wish i could save you.   i wish i could suck all the bad out of this world, and let you live a life that we both are too naive to see won't ever exist.  through everything you have been through, you are still this amazing spirit and continue to be my shining light every day.  i hate that she treats you the way she does.  i hate that you have to live this life and not the one you had chosen for yourself.  i HATE that i cannot see your face everyday.  but i will soon.  i miss you beyond what words could express.  and i love you with all of my heart.  if it's just you and me for the rest of time, i am perfectly okay with that.  because i can only hope to be half of the person that you have become.

2.  you are my favorite person in the world.  and i know that you cannot understand what i mean sometimes when i say that it is complicated.  but i assure you that it is.  it's not cut and dry.  i wish it was.  the two-three years without you in my life was terrible.  as lame as this may sound, i felt like i had lost a part of me.  you have no idea what it means that we are now stronger than ever.  i am so proud of you.  i am proud like a grandmother at her grandbaby's graduation.  you have come so far, and i find myself jealous of you sometimes.  i know that sometimes it seems hard, and that you're not going to make it through.  but you are.  i don't have a doubt in my mind.  i love you.

3.  i have always been the same person.  all my life, good little andi who does everything she is supposed to, and thinks what she is supposed to.  but you have changed all that.  with you, i am different.  i feel a little more like i am in my own skin, as opposed to an idealized "andi" skin.  you shake my core.  i have never wanted anything more.  i truly love you.

4.  i don't know if i can forgive you.  i certainly won't forget you.  you have no idea what you have done.  and not just to me.

5.  i am sorry that you have to grow up in this world.  i hate that you get shuffled around all the time, and rejected by your own mother.  one day i will be back home and we can be the best of buds.  i feel like i could do a lot more, as your aunt, to help make your life a little bit more normal.  you are absolutely beautiful and do not let anyone tell you anything different.  you can be anything you want to be, the world is your oyster, and any other cliche saying i can throw in here.  just remember that even though you have a mother with shit for brains, you are the apple in your father's eye, grandma loves you more than i think she loves your mother, and i am here.  i love you.  i will do what ever i can to show you that this world can be a beautiful place, and that it is that much more beautiful with you in it.

6.  i am angry, and that isn't something you can just apologize for and everything be all right.  it's not that simple.

7.  we're not the same.  we haven't been for a long time.  we both said hurtful things, and i know i said i was over them, but turns out - i'm not.  even now when i think about it, my heart hurts.  i'm not sure why i have held on to this for so long, but something within won't let me let it go.  we'll always be us, but we're always going to be different.  i love you still, just in a totally different way.

8.  stop playing games.  we're not fifteen anymore.  it pisses me off when you have these little competitions.  you are the only one competing, we don't care.  we've been friends too long for this to still be happening.  i love you girl, but jesus.  grow up.

9.  i don't know why i keep fighting for you in my life.  we've never gotten along, you've always bullied me, we have nothing in common, and you hate me.  i never did anything to you.  i didn't take her away, it isn't my fault he isn't here.  be the person we both know you can be. i see a glimpse of it every once in a while, i know a heart lives in there some where.  you can't live your life for just you anymore, you have a daughter to [start] think about.  i would like to have a conversation with you about what is really going on in your life, not just what you want me to think is going on.  you don't have to put on a show for me, i'm going to love you no matter what.  apparently, i don't have a choice in that.  i thought it would be easier if i didn't love you.  turns out, can't do it.  i guess a sister's bond is too tight to be broken.  but i am tired of being the only one trying.

10.  .....

i keep thinking about what you said to me, liz.  and i hope you are right.  i really, really, really do.

there's decent people.
then there's dirty people.
then there's scum.
then there is what feeds on the scum.
THEN there is my sister.
my sister is probably the most infuriating person i have in my life.  there is another saga in the "how can i screw up my nine year old daughter" game.  okay, to refresh my memory.  so terry (alexis's dad) is getting married soon.  alexis is living with him, his fiancee and her two daughters.  terry does everything he can for that girl, he may work a whole lot and alexis may not get all the attention she needs, but he is trying his darnedest(god, i can;t wait until lent is over).   i think he is a great father, he loves her and is wiling to put up with kiki's bullcrap for it.  bless his heart.  my lovely sister's loser boyfriend told terry to his face that he didn't have anything to do with alexis, because it isn't his kid.  kiki and kiarr (the boyfriend) have been together for two years now.  and he wants nothing to do with alexis.  so, in turn...kiki wants nothing to do with her own daughter.  she wouldn't want to ruin her relationship with this guy, cause you know, he's such a catch and all.  alexis and kiarr fight all the time, and now i know why. 

and then, my sister...has somehow decided that she was going to weasel more money out of terry for alexis.  SHE'S NOT EVEN LIVING WITH HER.  unless you ask her, of course.  then she's all "i'm a poor, single mom...waaaa".  terry lives in burlington and drives every day to take alexis to a school that is three blocks from kiki's apartment.  she says that she will not take alexis to school, and if terry doesn't take her then she will be home alone all day.  and when terry tried to get kiki to agree to transferring alexis to a school closer to his house, all hell broke loose.  how could kiki play the sympathy card if people found out she is not even living with her?  there is so much other crap going on, and now they want alexis to see a psychotherapist, which i totally think is a good idea.  anyone who has to deal with my sister should get free mental health afterwards.  and kiki is saying that terry will have to give her money for that...when my sister works for the police department and they offer mental health for police officers and their families.  they realize that it is hard on family members, and they do what they can to help.  that's part of the reason why kiki was so excited when she started working for them.  she bragged about healthcare benefits for alexis.  i HATE what she is doing to terry.  he is a good man.  and a good father.  and he doesn't deserve this.

i would like to know where my sister came from, cause we were raised in the same house, by the same people, the same way.  and we are literally night and day.  i want to have a relationship with her, but it is things like this that remind me why i can't.

as for power partners news...oh dear god.  they didn't get the hackleberry job, which is another job here in texas.  so, in anywhere from two to four weeks we could be moving to corpus christi, wyoming or kansas.  there isn't much work left here in texas, except for the corpus christi job.  there is also a possibility that we may be home for a couple of weeks, which is perfectly fine by me.  hell, it is fine by me if we stay there.  the job in corpus is a multi-year job and it is super dangerous.  there's underwater wiring, which power partners is inexperienced in, so i am sure that there will be a lot of learning to do.  there's three jobs in wyoming all starting around the same time.  the ONLY upside to that one is the fact that i would be close to fort collins again.  i would like to pop in on mac shack and see how everyone is.  and as for kansas...if we have to go anywhere, i would like it to be here.  it's the closest to home, only ten or eleven hours.  though i am not looking forward to living there for tornado season.   we'll see where it goes.

i do know that i am coming home for my birthday, and i will be home for three weeks if we don't come home before.  kiel may be there  for a week, but he isn't staying for all three.  i am so excited i can taste it.  for so many reasons, i can't even count.

don't say shit like that to me.
you just don't get it.







oh, and thanks.  thanks for all of your support.  means a whole lot.  no, really.

today i have experienced a mix of emotions unlike any other. i have been thinking for many years now that i wanted (needed) to go back to school, but i could never decide what i wanted to "be when i grew up".  it hit me a couple of months ago that i was born to be a chef.  i cook everyday, i love to experiment in the kitchen, and it acts as a catharsis for me.  last night i inquired on several universities and colleges in the north carolina area with excellent culinary programs via internet.  i didn't think i would get an immediate response, let alone the response that i did receive.  within an hour or two, i must have answered four or five phone calls from different schools, some of which i swear i had never heard of.  every time they would start to annoy me, i would just remind myself that it is for a very good reason, and that i will go to school in the fall.  i have been talking about going back for years, and truth be told, i am exhausted from just talking about it.  i want to live it.

better late than never.

to add to my story, at precisely 12:24 in the afternoon, i received yet another phone call.  this time it was from the art institute of charlotte.  a school that i had often heard mentioned, but never really took serious interest in.  granted, i haven't really taken any school seriously since the university of missouri my senior year of high school.  but back to the story.  so, i get a phone call from this standard agent guy and he is confirming all of my information.  i talk with him for a couple of minutes and he tells me that i am just what they are looking for and if i had a quick minute he would like to transfer me to the assistant director of admissions.  in a frenzy, totally unprepared, i agree.  i'm on hold momentarily, and then a woman gets on the line.  she tells me she only has a minute, but would like to get a little bit more information about me and where i would like to head within the next few years.  we end up talking for over half an hour.  we laugh, we joke, she fell in love with me. haha, i wish.  i tell her about my background in the restaurant business, how i have basically grown up in a restaurant and how it really is the only thing i have felt one hundred percent comfortable in.  i explained to her that i cook very night and how i love to experience with ingredients-sometimes it works out, sometimes it fails miserably.  she asked me what i had made the night before, and coincidentally, i decided to make stuffed turkey burgers at the last minute. i think i impressed her.

at this point in the conversation, she explains to me that she would normally invite me and my mother to visit the campus so that we could get a feel for it and see if it is somewhere i could see myself spending the next four years.  but she said that since i was so far away, she didn't want to wait and asked me what my schedule was like.  i replied with "pretty open.  why?"  she says to me, "i don't normally do this, but i would like to give you a call tomorrow for an over the phone interview.  we'll discuss everything about the campus, classes, and see if this is a right fit for you.  it'll be exactly like an interview in person, except for the campus tour."  i am positively shocked.  i had so many emotions swirling about in that heart/head of mine, i couldn't have picked them out of a line-up.  so, we agree to talk tomorrow at one o'clock her time, noon my time.

i'll save all of my thoughts that have gone through my head for tomorrow's entry, because i am sure they will become null and void after i speak with her.  but i can honestly say this, i cannot remember the last time i wanted something so bad.  i can only hope that the gods are on my side.  keep your fingers and toes crossed, and if you pray, pray like a motha for me.

i know i will be doing the same.

i just finished dear john by nicholas sparks.

it truly is an amazing novel.  this was my first experience with a nicholas sparks book, i have seen "a walk to remember" and "the notebook", but there is something always much more touching in the written word than seeing it onscreen.  don't get me wrong, "the notebook" is one of my favorite movies, and reading this novel only makes me want to read the notebook as well. i also got the guardian, will probably start that tonight. 

i've found that recently i have wanted to read and watch things that will cause me to cry.  i wish that i had an explanation for this, but i don't.  the only thing i can think is that i am needing some kind of release, and i hope that i get it.  or, that i will know why soon enough.

i asked kiel the other night if he was serious about me coming home in a couple of weeks and he assured me that he was.  so, i just might take him up on the offer.  i m dying to see my mom, it seems like a whole lot more than a month and a week since we were home last. 

so yesterday...my kitchen caught on fire.  yeah...it wasn't my fault though.  there is something wrong with my oven.  i was making dinner, it had been in the over for maybe five minutes, and i say "something smells like it is burning".  so, i walk in the kitchen and there is smoke coming out of the oven, the sink and the dishwasher.  i pull open my top drawer to grab a pot holder to open the oven door because i assume it's going to be hot.  as soon as the oxygen hits the inside of the drawer, there is a flash fire.  my hand was in the drawer.  owie.  but, there was minimal damage cause we caught it so early.  we were so lucky because in that top drawer that kiel so quickly put out, were all of our spare lighters.  there was a bag of four or five of them.  yikes!  that could have been BAD.  but, the maintenance guys are coming today to bring me a whole new oven, since well, i won't be able to use this one.  but we're all okay, but my apartment smells like a dirty, soot infested fireplace.

i have some semi-good news.  miss sandy and shanda are driving home to south carolina in a couple of weeks.  kiel and were going to see if i could tag along, and have mom meet me in south carolina and then take me home.  they'll be home for a week, so mom would have to take me back to them before they leave, but it is a definite possibility.  i think i might invite them out to lunch tomorrow and win them over-use my powers of persuasion.  because really, that would be swell.  keep your fingers crossed.  *knock on wood*.  insert superstitious belief here.

as for power partners, kiel heard yesterday (because it changes every day) that we should be here in sweetwater for two months.  now, this next thing we have heard a couple of times now, so it may actually hold some weight.  the next job is out in wyoming, which is not somewhere i want to live, but the upside is this.  we'll be right on the border of wyoming/colorado, really close to fort collins again.  so....we might be back.  which even though i just want to come home, colorado was the best place we've been and atleast i wasn't so lonely there. besides, it's really freakin' pretty. 

i am really starting to regret my lent decision.  it's no fun saying "kiel, you are a meaniehead."  it just doesn't have the same effect.

thinking is not good.
today sucks.

so, lent starts today.  no more foul mouth for andi. not more cussing, and no more saying words that could be considered a cuss word.  basically, everything my mom wouldn't say, i'm not saying (with a few exceptions).  and we all know my mom is a saint.  this is going to be a true test for me.  i have realized lately that i talk like a dirty sailor, and this is my attempt at remedying that.  wish me luck.

so i know that it has been a few days since i actually updated my livejournal, and i wish i had tons to talk about, but i don't.  life here in sweetwater just is...well, boring.  i have been hanging out with the power partners' wives, but i just can't seem to get comfortable around them.  sandy is the wife of kiel's boss, tommy and she is a sweetheart.  a good ol' southern carolina woman.  and then there is shanda...she reminds me so much of shauna that i used to work with-it's scary.  kiel keeps on trying to push me to hang out with them, but he doesn't understand that i would rather be by myself than with people i don't feel like i can let loose with.  am i wrong here?  i understand that he doesn't want me to be lonely, but i just don't think this is the way of doing it.  and besides, i don't mind being by myself.  it is only sometimes that it gets to me.

a lot has been going on in the power partners' (the company he works for) world.  mastec, which is another overhead company, just bought them out.  there is a lot of talk that mastec is going to cut everyone's pay and lessen their per diem.  kiel swears up and down that he'll quit and we will go home if they do.  i totally understand, and a very large part of me is praying that they will.   i also know that pp got the corpus christi job that they had bid on.  they specifically asked for tommy's crew-which includes kiel-but that is a three to four year project.  kiel has said that he would want to get a house and move down there permanently.  NO.  so much for a year and then moving back home.  words are easy, i guess.   maybe i am just a fool.

so, today has been fairly decent.  it started off a little rocky, with me having to cancel all my plans for today because kiel was sick to his stomach and went in late to work.  needless to say, he took the van and left me sans transportation.  but it was nice.  tomorrow i will make up for it.  i have a million and one things to do.  eventually, i will get a job.

i got a phone call from my niece, alexis, today.  mom (my mom, her gma) had to pick her up from school because my sister was ignoring all the phone calls from the school and terry(alexis's dad) was at work in burlington.  my sister, i swear to god, is the worst excuse for a mother i have ever seen.  i truly wish she was on drugs because then i would understand why she didn't want anything to do with her daughter. mom swung her by kiki's house and said she didn't interact with her at all.  alexis stayed hidden behind mom and begged to go as soon as possible.  "i don't want to stay here, grandma", she said.  it breaks my heart.  she is such a good kid. but mom said that alexis looked better than she did the last time.  she is gigantic - nine years old and as tall as me - looking like less than a street urchin than a few months ago.  alexis said she is doing well in school, no boyfriends i need to beat up, and has lots of friends.  i just want her to be happy.  she has had such a challenging life already, she should still be so sheltered from the world.  it truly makes me sad. 

her dad just got engaged, and i am truly and deeply happy for him.  he deserves someone to love him and treat him right.  he is a good man and does anything he can for that child of his.  thank jeebs alexis has him in her life, cause if it was just her and kiki, she wouldn't have a chance.  i really hate my sister sometimes.  i don't understand how one person can be so selfish.  she's in a relationship now, and that is more important than her own fucking child.  whatever.  it is days like today that remind me why my relationship with kiki is the way it is.  i can't stand there and watch her doing what she does.  or moreso, what she doesn't do.  goddamn, she pisses me off.

as for my friend who doesn't want to be my friend...i don't know.  the logic is we didn't hang out when i went home for christmas, so therefore, we're not really friends.  we've been friends since i was a senior in high school, but because we haven't talked a whole lot the last couple of months, our friendship is over.  i don't get it.  people's petty bullshit is really pressing on my nerves.

i don't have a lot of patience today.  and for that, i apologize.
other than this bullshit, it has been a nice day.
i watched american beauty (which i haven't seen in forever), cleaned my kitchen, straightened up my bathroom, and made a kick ass playlist for when i walk.  i impressed even myself.

i'm weak.

we now have hot water.  it only took a week and seven, minute and a half showers to get there.  but i'm not bitter.

kiel ended up having most of yesterday off because of the inclement weather, which in all honesty is bullshit because it was really nice yesterday.  but the point is, we had a lovely day.    we did a little shopping, came home, and laid on the couch all day watching movies and tv shows on dvd.  we laughed, joked, talked.  it really was nice.  i got a new yoga dvd thing, thought i would try something new.  i'll start it today-i'll let you know how that works out.  we watched saw IV..granted, i haven't seen any of the saws.. i wasn't impressed.  and then at hastings we found dexter season one for only sixteen dollars, so we watched a few episodes of that.  if you haven't seen it...see it.  it is brilliant.  it's days like today that remind me of why i love kiel.

diet is going well.  i have been craving a three musketeers and a cupcake for days now, and i finally let myself have a three musketeers.  i couldn't finish it.  it was WAY too sweet, and now i don't even want a cupcake anymore.  i think i am going to do a stir fry tonight.

and as for you. i'm done.  i have to be.

so, we are all moved in.  well as much as we can be.  we're living in a small (super small) apartment in sweetwater.  this truly is the smallest town i have been in in a long time.  there isn't much here.  we have a wal-mart and a kmart.  and that's about it.  there are just a couple of sit down and eat restaurants, but they are all mexican.  there are a bunch of fast food places, probably more than should be in such a small town.  but i have discovered that there are three parts to town.  the white side, the mexican side and the black side.  it's like a town out of the fifties.  i wish i could say i love it, but i don't.
but i am trying.  and that is what counts.

my diet is going well.  i have been sticking to it like i have wanted to.  i have yet to see any results, but i know that it is still really early.  i'm straying from all junk food, sodas, and sweets.  i have cut way back on my sugars and am actually eating more than i ever have.  i am eating both breakfast and dinner, whereas before, i was only eating at dinnertime.  i'm eating a shitload of vegetables and sticking primarily with chicken and fish.  i'm not using butter or a lot of oil when i cook..i just want to do it healthily.  i was walking everyday, but the last couple days have been cold and windy.  the wind cuts through you like ice, so i have refrained.  but i think i am going to buy a new pair of walking sneakers tomorrow to hlp me get pumped back up about walking.  i hope i do get results.  and i hope that my weight loss goal isn't unattainable.  i know that it is a lot, but it is what i want.

i made a pact with myself once i got out here to renovate myself - inside out - and i plan on sticking with it.

this time will be the last time for a while.  we move in tomorrow.  woot.

liz and i are starting a weight loss competition thing. i am so excited.  we have until may 1 to reach our goal weights, which i think is very reasonable.  i want to lose 35 pounds, but for the sake of the contest, i only have to lose 32.  i entered my height and weight in a body mass index and they labeled me as "obese".  i fought back tears.  i know i am no stick figure, but i never thought i was obese.  it really hit hard, so i am doing something about it.  i mean, i haven't been happy with my body in a long time, so i am glad that i have gotten the motivation to do something about it now. and i do realize that my boobs weigh in to my weight, because they are so large and heavy...but still.  the new apartment is connected to a bunch of neighborhoods, so i am going to go walking every day.  i have already cut out soft drinks, so that won't be a problem.  i think i will cut out sweet tea too, because of all the sugar.  that is going to be a test in itself.  strictly water for me.  and a lot of it.  i may even become a part time vegetarian again, but i am going to make sure i am getting all the nutrients i need.  i know how important that is.  the meat thing won't be a problem, since i was a vegetarian a long time ago.  i am really excited about this.  once kiel and i get back on our feet, i think i will buy a bike too.  i hope i stay as motivated as i am right now once i start this diet thing.

keep your fingers crossed for me.

liz b.-hope you have a safe trip home.  hope it's everything you want it to be.

and to everyone else, have a good couple of days.  we'll get internet at the new place in a few days, hopefully.