i looked into their faces,

i have decided that my journal is going to become friends only.
i very rarely post anything that isn't friends or custom group...
so if you want to continue reading about my fascinating life, we'll need to become friends.

i'm heading back to texas in just a few hours.

i can't wrap my head around it.  i don't feel like it is true.
it has been great here in nc, i don't want to give it up.
it's felt like i was home.  like, really home.

i'm going to miss you.

on any given night, like tonight, you can randomly drive down any street with your windows down and smell only honeysuckles.

it is one of the sweetest smells in the world.
it smells like home.

it became painfully clear today that this may 8th marks the twelfth year that my father has chosen to leave this world.  i have lived exactly half my life with him, and half my life without him.  which means that tomorrow (the 9th), i will have lived longer without him.  i am only 24 fucking years old.
somehow, i have grown incapable of dealing with this.

if everything happens for a reason, i better get a goddamn answer.
fuck you god.  if you were real, this wouldn't have happened to us.

i get it.
i was hurt and upset with you yesterday.  but now, i get it.
and almost all of me agrees.
just not my heart.

you have just made my day.
just by saying that you do.



we play the game of truth like it is going out of style, yet i never seem to ask tell you what i really want to.

it is amazing how one dream can ruin your whole day.

it is 3:30 in the am and i am still awake.  my mind is swirling.  i was re-reading several of my entries, both here and myspace, and i came across a survey that i had completed on the latter (which i never do here).  it started with "say ten things you wish you could say to ten different people".  and though what i am about to do isn't quite the same, it'll be my own version.  there are things i want to say, but will never be able to.  but some things become less heavy within me when i can put them here.

1.  i wish i could save you.   i wish i could suck all the bad out of this world, and let you live a life that we both are too naive to see won't ever exist.  through everything you have been through, you are still this amazing spirit and continue to be my shining light every day.  i hate that she treats you the way she does.  i hate that you have to live this life and not the one you had chosen for yourself.  i HATE that i cannot see your face everyday.  but i will soon.  i miss you beyond what words could express.  and i love you with all of my heart.  if it's just you and me for the rest of time, i am perfectly okay with that.  because i can only hope to be half of the person that you have become.

2.  you are my favorite person in the world.  and i know that you cannot understand what i mean sometimes when i say that it is complicated.  but i assure you that it is.  it's not cut and dry.  i wish it was.  the two-three years without you in my life was terrible.  as lame as this may sound, i felt like i had lost a part of me.  you have no idea what it means that we are now stronger than ever.  i am so proud of you.  i am proud like a grandmother at her grandbaby's graduation.  you have come so far, and i find myself jealous of you sometimes.  i know that sometimes it seems hard, and that you're not going to make it through.  but you are.  i don't have a doubt in my mind.  i love you.

3.  i have always been the same person.  all my life, good little andi who does everything she is supposed to, and thinks what she is supposed to.  but you have changed all that.  with you, i am different.  i feel a little more like i am in my own skin, as opposed to an idealized "andi" skin.  you shake my core.  i have never wanted anything more.  i truly love you.

4.  i don't know if i can forgive you.  i certainly won't forget you.  you have no idea what you have done.  and not just to me.

5.  i am sorry that you have to grow up in this world.  i hate that you get shuffled around all the time, and rejected by your own mother.  one day i will be back home and we can be the best of buds.  i feel like i could do a lot more, as your aunt, to help make your life a little bit more normal.  you are absolutely beautiful and do not let anyone tell you anything different.  you can be anything you want to be, the world is your oyster, and any other cliche saying i can throw in here.  just remember that even though you have a mother with shit for brains, you are the apple in your father's eye, grandma loves you more than i think she loves your mother, and i am here.  i love you.  i will do what ever i can to show you that this world can be a beautiful place, and that it is that much more beautiful with you in it.

6.  i am angry, and that isn't something you can just apologize for and everything be all right.  it's not that simple.

7.  we're not the same.  we haven't been for a long time.  we both said hurtful things, and i know i said i was over them, but turns out - i'm not.  even now when i think about it, my heart hurts.  i'm not sure why i have held on to this for so long, but something within won't let me let it go.  we'll always be us, but we're always going to be different.  i love you still, just in a totally different way.

8.  stop playing games.  we're not fifteen anymore.  it pisses me off when you have these little competitions.  you are the only one competing, we don't care.  we've been friends too long for this to still be happening.  i love you girl, but jesus.  grow up.

9.  i don't know why i keep fighting for you in my life.  we've never gotten along, you've always bullied me, we have nothing in common, and you hate me.  i never did anything to you.  i didn't take her away, it isn't my fault he isn't here.  be the person we both know you can be. i see a glimpse of it every once in a while, i know a heart lives in there some where.  you can't live your life for just you anymore, you have a daughter to [start] think about.  i would like to have a conversation with you about what is really going on in your life, not just what you want me to think is going on.  you don't have to put on a show for me, i'm going to love you no matter what.  apparently, i don't have a choice in that.  i thought it would be easier if i didn't love you.  turns out, can't do it.  i guess a sister's bond is too tight to be broken.  but i am tired of being the only one trying.

10.  .....

i keep thinking about what you said to me, liz.  and i hope you are right.  i really, really, really do.

there's decent people.
then there's dirty people.
then there's scum.
then there is what feeds on the scum.
THEN there is my sister.
my sister is probably the most infuriating person i have in my life.  there is another saga in the "how can i screw up my nine year old daughter" game.  okay, to refresh my memory.  so terry (alexis's dad) is getting married soon.  alexis is living with him, his fiancee and her two daughters.  terry does everything he can for that girl, he may work a whole lot and alexis may not get all the attention she needs, but he is trying his darnedest(god, i can;t wait until lent is over).   i think he is a great father, he loves her and is wiling to put up with kiki's bullcrap for it.  bless his heart.  my lovely sister's loser boyfriend told terry to his face that he didn't have anything to do with alexis, because it isn't his kid.  kiki and kiarr (the boyfriend) have been together for two years now.  and he wants nothing to do with alexis.  so, in turn...kiki wants nothing to do with her own daughter.  she wouldn't want to ruin her relationship with this guy, cause you know, he's such a catch and all.  alexis and kiarr fight all the time, and now i know why. 

and then, my sister...has somehow decided that she was going to weasel more money out of terry for alexis.  SHE'S NOT EVEN LIVING WITH HER.  unless you ask her, of course.  then she's all "i'm a poor, single mom...waaaa".  terry lives in burlington and drives every day to take alexis to a school that is three blocks from kiki's apartment.  she says that she will not take alexis to school, and if terry doesn't take her then she will be home alone all day.  and when terry tried to get kiki to agree to transferring alexis to a school closer to his house, all hell broke loose.  how could kiki play the sympathy card if people found out she is not even living with her?  there is so much other crap going on, and now they want alexis to see a psychotherapist, which i totally think is a good idea.  anyone who has to deal with my sister should get free mental health afterwards.  and kiki is saying that terry will have to give her money for that...when my sister works for the police department and they offer mental health for police officers and their families.  they realize that it is hard on family members, and they do what they can to help.  that's part of the reason why kiki was so excited when she started working for them.  she bragged about healthcare benefits for alexis.  i HATE what she is doing to terry.  he is a good man.  and a good father.  and he doesn't deserve this.

i would like to know where my sister came from, cause we were raised in the same house, by the same people, the same way.  and we are literally night and day.  i want to have a relationship with her, but it is things like this that remind me why i can't.

as for power partners news...oh dear god.  they didn't get the hackleberry job, which is another job here in texas.  so, in anywhere from two to four weeks we could be moving to corpus christi, wyoming or kansas.  there isn't much work left here in texas, except for the corpus christi job.  there is also a possibility that we may be home for a couple of weeks, which is perfectly fine by me.  hell, it is fine by me if we stay there.  the job in corpus is a multi-year job and it is super dangerous.  there's underwater wiring, which power partners is inexperienced in, so i am sure that there will be a lot of learning to do.  there's three jobs in wyoming all starting around the same time.  the ONLY upside to that one is the fact that i would be close to fort collins again.  i would like to pop in on mac shack and see how everyone is.  and as for kansas...if we have to go anywhere, i would like it to be here.  it's the closest to home, only ten or eleven hours.  though i am not looking forward to living there for tornado season.   we'll see where it goes.

i do know that i am coming home for my birthday, and i will be home for three weeks if we don't come home before.  kiel may be there  for a week, but he isn't staying for all three.  i am so excited i can taste it.  for so many reasons, i can't even count.

don't say shit like that to me.
you just don't get it.







oh, and thanks.  thanks for all of your support.  means a whole lot.  no, really.